The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary, PhD

This book is invaluable for parents with kids of all ages. I also suggest it for anyone who works with children and teenagers. Her perspective can change parenting and relationships as we know them for the better alleviating stress, anxiety and conflict for kids and parents alike. I can’t recommend her books, social media presence, TedTalks and interview on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday enough!!!

The objective of this book is to illumine how we might identify and capitalize on the emotional and spiritual lessons inherent in the parenting process, so that we can use them for our own development, which in turn will result in the ability to parent more effectively.

chapter 1- a real person like myself

Parenthood affords many occasions in which we find ourselves in a battle between our mind and our heart
A single misplaced response can shrivel a child’s spirit, whereas the right comment can encourage them to soar
I find myself so conditioned to sermonize, so oriented to teaching, that I am often insensitive to the wondrous ways in which my child reveals her uniqueness, showing us she’s a being unlike any other
It’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way
Put your focus on raising them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs
The parent-child relationship frequently deadens a child’s spirit instead of enlivening it. This is a key reason so many of our children grow up troubled and in many cases plagued by dysfunction
Based on our unexamined world view, we unknowingly lay down rigid expectations of how our children ought to express themselves
We end up imposing on them our own vision for them, rewriting their spiritual purpose according to our whims
How can we listen to them, when so many of us barely listen to ourselves?
It isn’t out of a lack of love that we impose our will on our children, it’s from a lack of consciousness. Many of us are unaware of the dynamics that exist in the relationship we have with our children
Coming from unconsciousness ourselves we bequeath to them our own unresolved needs, unmet expectations, and frustrated dreams. We enslave them to the emotional inheritance we received from our parents, binding them to the debilitating legacy of ancestors past. Only through awareness can the cycle of pain that swirls in families end
Traditionally parenthood has been exercised in a manner that’s hierarchical. The parent governs from the top down. After all, isn’t the child our lesser, the be transformed by us as the more knowledgable party? Because children are smaller and don’t know as much as we do, we presume we are entitled to control them
Pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority
Ego isn’t our true self at all but rather a picture of ourselves we carry around in our head which may actually be far from who we are in our essential being. It is an artificial sense of ourselves, an idea we have about ourselves based mostly on other people’s opinions. It’s the person we have come to believe we are and think of ourselves as
Once we have detached from our expectations of how another person should behave and we encounter them as they really are, the acceptance we inevitable demonstrate toward them naturally induces connection
Our children contribute to our growth in ways that are perhaps more profound than we can ever contribute to theirs. It’s precisely the child’s seemingly less-powerful status that has the potential to call forth the greatest transformation in a parent
As a parent, to the degree you are able to recognize that your children are in your life to foster a renewed sense of who you are you will discover their potential to lead you to the discovery of your own true being
Children don’t need our ideas and expectations or our dominance and control, only for us to be attuned to them with our engaged presence
While we believe we hold the power to raise our children, the reality is that our children hold the power to raise us into the parents they need us to become. The parenting experience often becomes parent versus child but should be parent with child
As much as conscious parenting is about listening to our children, honoring their essence and being fully present with them, it’s also about boundaries and discipline. As parents, we are required to provide our children not only with the basics of shelter, food and education, but also to teach them the value of structure, appropriate containment of their emotions and such skills as reality testing
As you muster the courage to abandon the control inherent in a hierarchical approach and step into the spiritual potential of a circular parent-child dynamic, you will find yourself increasingly free of conflict and power struggles

chapter 2- the spiritual reason we birth our children

To shift to a more effective way of relating to our children, we must be willing to face and resolve issues in ourselves that stem from the way we were parented
A certain child enters our life with its individual troubles, difficulties, stubbornness and temperamental challenges in order to help us become aware of how much we have yet to grow
“When my daughter yells at me, I feel the way I did when my m other yelled at me. When she slams the door on me and shuts me out of her world, I feel as though I’m being punished, like I did something wrong. The difference is that whereas with my parents I could never protest, yell, r scar, now I can’t stop. Every time my daughter makes me feel like my parents made me feel, it’s as if my world crashes around me and I lose my sanity.” The more the daughter rebelled, the more controlling and dominant the mom became. Instead of seeing Jessica’s rebellion as a cry for help, she interpreted it as undermining her role as parent. This served as a reminder of how powerless and worthless her parents made her feel as a child. The rebellion was a normal response to a rigid upbringing.
Inappropriate behavior of your children is a call to increased consciousness on your part, you are able to view the opportunities they afford you to grow differently. Instead of reacting to the, you look within yourself and ask why you react. When the mom was able to revisit her childhood and uncover her anger toward her parents that she could release her daughter from the trap of perfection she herself had lived in all her life
It takes someone close to us to mirror for us the wounds from our past
We parents don’t often allow kids to fulfill their spiritual purpose in our life. Instead, we seek to make them fulfill our ego plans and fantasies
The ability to see our children separate from who we are is our greatest gift to them. Our greatest weakness as parents is our inability to honor a child’s path as it emerges
To raise children consciously is both a daily and lifelong practice of becoming vigilant witnesses of our own unconsciousness

chapter 3- release your children from the need for your approval

We bind our children to us by tying them to our approval, making them slaves to our judgements of them. Either we constantly starve them of our approval, or we cause them to become dependent on it
Every child realizes that their behavior sometimes gets them into a pile, but this isn’t at all the same as not being accepted and respected for who they fundamentally are. this is why it’s so crucial that, as parents, we free ourselves of the illusion that it’s our place to approve of who our children are. Who are we to judge them?
Both disapproval and approval are tentacles of control
We so often endorse our children for their actions, rather than for just being. Celebrating our children’s being means allowing them to exist without the snares of our expectations, with our them having to do a single thing, prove anything for accomplish any kind of goal
Operating from intrinsic connectivity they don’t need to seek validation externally, don’t thirst for accolades but celebrate who they are out of their own senses of validity
Accepting our children in their as-is state requires us to surrender our ideas of who they should be
Parents often take their child’s behavior personal affront
While we may not endorse a particular behavior we must always unequivocally and wholeheartedly endorse our children’s right to be who they are in their core state. Accepting our children enables us to raise them without judgement, dealing with them from a neutral state. Responding to them as they need to be responded to, instead of in a manner reflective of our own past conditioning, requires unequivocal surrender to the wisdom of who they are, who they are yet to become and what they can teach us about ourselves in the process
Acceptance is anything but passive. It’s a highly active, intensely alive process
When your kids receive hurtful treatment from their peers, don’t seek to take away their pain, but help them learn to sit with it
The ability to create spaciousness between ourselves and our children helps foster the greatest togetherness
When you are able to repeat the unfolding of your child’s particular journey, you teach them to nurture their own inner voice and simultaneously honor the voice of others. this fosters their ability to engage in relationships in a manner that reflects a healthy interdependence. No longer is there a toxic dependence on the other – a healthy interdependence = a successful intimate relationship
Each child requires something different from you. Some children need a parent to be soft and gentle, whereas others need the parent to be more assertive, even in their face. Contour your style to meet their temperament letting go of your fantasies of yourself as a certain kind of parent and instead evolving into the parent you need to be for the particular child in front of you
Our ability to accept our children is directly linked to our ability to accept ourselves both as we are presently and for what we have the potential to become
When we are unable to accept our children it’s because they open up old wounds in us, threatening some ego-attachment we are still holding onto. Unless we address why we can’t embrace our children for precisely who they are, we will forever either seek to mold, control and dominate them or we will allow ourselves to be dominated by them
A parent who is unable to accept their own being in all its glory will never be able to accept their children but if we have victim mentality “I accept my child is defiant” is not acceptance but resignation or “I accept my child is genius” is not acceptance but grandiosity
Children are not fixed entities, but ever evolving beings who are constantly transforming themselves

chapter 4-a blow to our ego

The very fact we say “This is MY child”, we enter into ego
Few parents can allow their children to exist without seeing them as an extension of their own ego
Many of us become a parent to fulfill our own longing
When we operate from a rigid place of rightness, we bring to our reality an already formulated assumption, ideal, or judgment. If a situation or individual doesn’t conform to our will, we react to control the situation or the individual, bringing them under our domination
Samuel’s father parented his son from a place of pure projection. At the root of his anxiety over his son’s choice of career was an emotional script he carried within himself that said “uncertainty is bad”. Consumed by the anxiety he had suffered as a first-generation immigrant, he taught to control his son’s destiny
To parent children from ego is to live with the unconscious mandate that your way is the right way. When you urge your children to enter your world, you miss the opportunity to enter theirs
Sadly most parents feel the most competent when your children are under your domination willing to follow your word as gospel
Our ego attachments are a mask for our fears, the greatest of which is surrendering to the mysterious nature of life itself leading our kids to grow up disconnected from their own essence and this learn to distrust their connection to all that exists. Our ego therefore needs to crumble to allow our authenticity to emerge, which in turn frees our children to grow up true to themselves
If our relationship, house, job, car, and other externals are what we rely on t make us happy, we are enslaved to ego. If they exist so we may serve others through fulfilling our purpose, they further our commitment to our essential being
Ego can make incidents all about parents as if it were their competence that was in question. Unable to separate yourself from the child’s behavior enough to see it for what it was parents tend to blow the situation out of proportion so instead of the child experiencing the natural consequences of their actions, from which they might have learned, they feel guilt and embarrassment over the way their parents reacted
Many of us fall into the trap of allowing our sense of worth to become entangled with our children’s behavior
When our life doesn’t go according to plan and we respond with resistance and emotional velocity, it’s because we feel threatened
Holding onto the idea that life is supposed to have a fairy tale ending often comes at the price of our loved ones’ well being
When we portray ourselves as so competent we foster inhibition and fear in our children, we imprint in them the idea that they are less than us which discourages them from getting in touch with their own competence
When our children experience us as always in the know always there with a perfect solution or a correct opinion they grow up believing they need to be the same way
It’s important to release our children from the illusion that we always have it together something we can only do once we have released ourselves from the grip of being perfect parents – when our children realize we are perfectly okay with our okayness it encourages a feeling of competence within them
Laden with a sense of shame a young man entered pre-med, pushing himself harder than ever to prove to his parents that he was worthy of their validation, this losing touch with his true self even more
Forego your fantasies of who you thought your child would be and instead respond to the actual child in front of you
When we resist our children’s way of being, it’s often because we secretly horror the notion that we are somehow above what’s happening especially if what’s happening is something we believe to be a mess
When our more discreet methods of gaining compliance fail, we become louder and more forceful, simply unable to bear the idea that our children are challenging our will
Most parents value emotional control over emotional expression, we believe an outburst of emotional expression is a weakness suppressing our emotions becomes an automatic tactic. Our tendency is to view power and control as a means of security. The kids then become adults who are unable to tolerate any disrespect for their status using their role to foster inhibition in others
Many of our mistakes when setting boundaries with our children stem from our internal conflict, ambivalence, or tiredness which is when ego often kicks in the most.
We are obligated not to displace our emotional state onto our children. Most of the time when we think we are responding to our children, we are reacting to the pieces of ourselves that they have internalized
Whenever emotions are triggered by another’s actions we find ourselves upset with the person who evoked these emotions in us. No one could evoke such emotions in us were they not already part of us. We seek to ease our discomfort at having to confront them by projecting these emotions onto the other – we see them as the villain
The more helpful response to being triggered is to recognize your emotional charge as a signal that something is amiss within you. Emotional reactivity is a reason to go inward, focusing on your own growth. Once you realize there are no enemies only guides to inner growth all who play a part in your life become mirrors of your forgotten self. Life’s challenges then become emotionally regenerative opportunities. When you encounter a roadblock in your life, whether a person or a situation, instead of seeing it as an enemy to be reacted against, you pause and ask yourself “What do I perceive I’m lacking”?
We approach reality with the realization that life just is. We make a conscious choice to flow with the current without any desire to control it or need for it to be any different from what it is. We imagine that if we are angry enough sad enough happy enough or domineering enough things will somehow change. The key is to start with what is not what isn’t so we can respond to our children where they are rather than pushing them to where we want them to be
Growing up with explosive pouting distancing or otherwise emotionally manipulative parents a child learns that life is to be dueled with. Situations are to be named brought to heel by unleashing our emotions
People who sport such an emotional style carry a heavy sense of entitlement believing that life owes them only pleasurable experiences they attempt to avoid pain at all costs. When life doesn’t comply they are quick to blame someone else declaring “It’s all their fault”. They then assure themselves “I have a right to be upset”
If we wish to teach our children how to live integrated lives in which they take full responsibility for their actions, we need to honor all their emotions
When you don’t fuel your pain by either resisting or reacting but sit with it, it transforms itself into wisdom and with increased wisdom comes a greater capacity for compassion
When our children are hurt either physically or psychologically it can be unbearable for parents. In the case of emotional cute, we want to rescue them not realizing that this solidifies their pain. It also fosters an inability to tolerate pain, both their own and that of others. But when our children are permitted to feel their feelings, they are able to release them amazingly quickly. They come out of the pain understanding that pain is just another sensation
Once their emotions have been processed, children feel no need to hold onto them long after they have passed in the way adults tend to do. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, pain comes in waves and just as it comes it also leaves. The reason we adults feel like it stays forever is that our thoughts have become embroiled in it based on a vestige from the past. It’s in the mind that the pain continues to exist, not in the actual situation. This is because we don’t let go.
Once our children learn to accept pain as a neutral and inevitable part of life they don’t fear it so much. We shouldn’t aspire that our child become happy despite their pain. We aspire that they be authentic
For parents of teenagers the dynamic was set in motion years ago. What started out as a battle of wills and quest for control had escalated into a traumatic relationship for both.
When we react to conflict with our teens out of our own need for power and control like this, we fail to make “What does my child need from me that I have been unable to give so far?”
When we are so invested in perfection, we take our teens actions as a reflection of the kind of parent we are. Our children are then left feeling they are the cause of our moods which results in guilt and can lead to a sense of worthlessness. The seeds of this equation lie in the initial judgment we make in response to their behavior
The first error on our path to ego activation is that of creating deeply personalized interpretation of events. When our children fail to follow the plan we see them as who are wrong and that they are doing what they are doing because the disregard our authority. Our interpretation that sets the stage for dysfunction. The real issue is that we feel threatened in some way
When we open up internal space we discover new ways of encountering our children which is refreshingly different from repeatedly engaging in the same battles
When we meet life in a neutral state without attributing goodness or badness but simply as is-ness
Anxiety is our way of reacting to our mental judgments. It is coming from something unresolved within us and would continue to exist regardless of whether the triggering person or event was present. If one set of circumstances didn’t trigger us, something else would. Rather than seeing anxiety as something we need to control we are asked to accept that it’s natural and quietly witness it

chapter 6- life is wise

Ask yourself “How do I react when life doesn’t turn out the way I want it to?” Aim to no longer resist those things you deem undesirable while craving those you consider agreeable. Experience everything as a potential teacher and be allowed to be in a mood, though not to take it out on others
Children learn how to relate to their experiences from how we relate to our own. As they watch us judge and label every experience they begin to categorize their own world. By modeling an attitude of trust and approaching life with gracious ease based on this trust we teach our children to draw wisdom from all of their circumstances, instead of viewing some aspects of life as good and others as bad. To be conscious is to be with an experience as it’s unfolding rather than thinking about ow we would like to change it
The degree to which our children feel trusted by us reflects the trust or lack of trust we ourselves have. No only do they not need to earn our trust, but they need to know that we trust them implicitly because we see them as fundamentally trustworthy. Just by their presence, our children have earned the right to be trusted. To ask them to earn our trust reflects an insecure, power-hungry attitude that’s charged with both fear and ego
The questions we ask our children, the lectures we give them, and the unsolicited advice we dish out all convey trust or distrust. For instance, when we repeatedly ask our children how they are doing, believing they must be going through something or other, we unwittingly communicate our own anxiety and hence our mistrust of life. By constantly checking in on our children, hovering over them, or needing to know everything about their world, we communicate a sense of uncertainty which undermines their basic trust in themselves. The less we chin in on them in an anxious manner, the more we communicate that message that we don’t need to chick in with them all the time because we know they are fully capable of taking care of themselves and will ask for help when they need it.
When we try to make decisions for our children we communicate to them our own powerfulness and their helplessness which fosters a distrust of themselves. They can sense when we have a true deep respect for their opinions and choices. Should they happen to make an unwise choice instead of indicating a lack of trust in them, let them learn from it
Traumatic events will inevitably occur but they don’t have to determine our reaction. It’s our choice whether we live as a victim or a student. We have the power to transform a bad event into a growth-inducing experience and not allowing our identity to be defined by the events in our life
Writing in a journal can assist using becoming aware of what’s going on inside us, and how we ascribe unwarranted interpretations to things, because it enables us to create a little distance between our inner being and our thoughts and loosens the hod our ego has on us. When you can separate your identity from thoughts you don’t need to feel overwhelmed by them any longer
Breath work can assist by focusing on the breath we observe that like our breath our thoughts and emotions are fleeting. Thought and emotions are by nature impermanent we have no obligation to hold onto them but can let go of them because they aren’t our identity
By becoming aware of these feelings you don’t act out what you are thinking or feeling with your child but instead respond from a more centered place and teach your child they can be used instead to teach you something about yourself
When we cannot deal with life in its as is form, we are likely to engage either in behavior that harms others such a control or anger or in self defeating behavior such as overeating overworking overexercising drinking too much, self-medication or using illicit drugs while we wait for things to reach their should be form
It’s easy to let the matter go once we have truly resolved our emotions in the here and now
To accept your child completely you take on the mindset that if they are difficult, I need to be more patient, if they are scared, I need to be gently, if they are anxious, I need to be more comforting. Giving them what they need to learn and grow is what we are meant to do
We need to contour life and go with the flow because it is like an ocean by surrendering to the agenda of what should look like and respond to situations in its as is form with emotional flexibility rather than rigidity
When our children watch us process our experiences and deal with life as if it were full of rich meaning and opportunities for growth, this is how they will approach their own challenges

chapter 7- the challenge of a lifetime – infancy and the terrible two’s

As there are physical and intellectual milestones we want our children to attain the parenting journey presents us as parents with spiritual milestones we too need to attain
It is imperative that we are firm, yet gentle and consistent in laying down boundaries

chapter 8-from center stage to supporting cast -a parent’s opportunity for spiritual growth in the school years

In this time for socialization our children learn to get along with their friends without our help, obey the norms of their school, engage a curriculum and regulate their own emotions
You cannot blame them later for what you fail to teach them now
When children first spread their wings, you especially need to be sure you don’t clip them as a result of your own needs and biases. You may influence them direction in which they fly, or even the speed of flight but the fact remains they are ready to fly and should be allowed to do so
During these intermediate years our children’s sense of who they are undergoes a dramatic overhaul and with hormonal surges, they tend to be mentally unprepared for their physical maturity making them feel groundless and insecure
No longer should you be the ever powerful parent but must instead become an ever present partner. They need you to hold their hand but without leading the way. They need you to accept them when they reject themselves and you ad they need you to be calm when they take you to the edge of your sanity, to simply be there without heed to your won ideas or interpretations and to forgive them for their forgetfulness and distractions understanding that this is largely hormonal
Each friendship will lead a mark on their personality as they morph into who they think they need to be in order to fit in. It is essential that you don’t try to fix their life but simply understand the chaos of these years and let your children learn to manage their emotions and create their own coping strategies.
If you get caught up in your children’s whirling emotions, swept away by your own anxiety over what they are going through you will be unable to help them navigate the hardships of this phase. But if you tell them they shouldn’t worry about such superficial matters you alienate them. They will also believe it’s they who are superficial. It’s your obligation to reflect back to them the normalcy of their state and admire their shining courage teaching them to rely on their inner sense of worth they will learn not to blindly follow the crowd as well
A difficult teenager doesn’t sprout up overnight, the seeds were being sown all along. We experience humiliation, defensiveness, guilt, and outrage when we feel at the mercy of these children for whom we sacrificed so much. Is it any wonder so many call a professional to medical or therapize our children?
If children have been starving for authentic parental nurture chances are they will now go about seeking this in unhealthy ways. If you were too strict with you children, the teen years are a time when they break free. If you were too permissive when your children were growing up so that they failed to learn containment, they now go wild. If you were neglectful of your children or absent, they now refuse to connect with you but it’s not too late for healing but more than ever they need your acceptance
If our teens are failing in school or unmotivated it’s because they are trying to tell us that something is wrong which leaves us with only one way to respond, acceptance. Appropriate action is giving them the emotional support they need
If you respond with control or dogmatism you will push your teens further away. The less rigid you are with them, the more likely they are to maintain a relationship with you. If you are overbearing and possessive, this will serve only to catapult them further into negative behaviors
It’s imperative they know wholeheartedly that you don’t harbor a desire to impose your agenda on them, but they feel your unconditional faith in their ability to handle their life
Even though the issue of safety is paramount in the teen years, you can’t jump in and try to control their lives. The more intrusive we are, the less our teens will confide in us. Once we own the limits of our influence, we continue to be hugely influential. Our best chance at keeping them safe and empowered is to validate who they intrinsically are

chapter 9- the insanity of parenthood

More than perhaps an other role, parenthood causes us to second-gues ourselves. We question our competence, our worth, and even our sanity and as women we are often left without a sense of individual purpose
The development of patience is more than a necessary response to our children, it’s an opportunity to surrender to the person moment. As much as you need to be present to your children’s emotions, you need to be present to your when so you can avoid projection your own emotions onto your children. Until we are able to do that, the best course of action is to enter into quietness and stillness until we restore our sense of calm
When our children don’t follow the plan, we are wise to remind ourselves that they aren’t meant to, since this isn’t what they are on earth to do. Consider whether we ought to change our plans instead of always requiring them to abide by our wishes
We shouldn’t use our children as the receptacle of our frustrations but to think, it’s not my child who needs help right now, it’s me. This is how we can end the cycle of how pain is passed from generation to generation

chapter 10- parent from wholeness INSTEAD of your wounds

When parents are so wrapped up in their own pain that they can’t respond to their children’s needs in the way each child deserves, they grow up feeling not just empty within but split in pieces especially when inside we are still that little kid ourselves
The sad fact is that no matter how much our external world’s change the pain of childhood lingers in our heart until we heal our internal landscape. Nothing can compensate for the yearning of a child who seeks nothing more than unconditional acceptance from its parents. When we don’t see the reflection of our authentic self in the eyes or our caregivers, we learn to feel less than we really are
When we grow up not feeling good enough we displace this feeling of inadequacy onto the world around us by having an overbearing sense of entitlement and grandiosity because we suffer from the lack of self-worth and in effort to overcompensate for not feeling good enough
When children watch their parents alter themselves to gain the approval of others, they become pleaser, catering to the needs of others for the sake of approval. Or when they see us place the needs of others before their own they learn that they are to value others more than themselves and base their sense of identity on their relationships. These parents who please others to gain their approval may also begin to please their children, who then imagine the world revolves around them and then end up disrespecting the boundaries of others
By constantly giving into our children we foster in them an inability to cope emotionally with the hardships of life.
Many of us find ourselves contouring ourselves to earn another’s approval. In our bid for acceptance and validation we transform ourselves into someone we aren’t. Raised by parents who were unable to allow us to enjoy our natural self, we learned that to gain our parents blessing we needed to alter our desires and inhabit a persona a false self of which our parents could approve. Tailored to suit them more than it suited us, this persona masked our authentic way of being
When we are raised by parents who because of their own unconscious upbringing make us feel ashamed for expressing who we are we experience guilt for wanting to be the unique individual we are. If our parents make us feel guilty whenever we stray from the beaten path, we learn not to trust our instinctive response to life, instead experiencing a dip ambivalence toward our life choices
Therefore they live either forever suffocated by the guilt imposed on them taking on the feeling I am bad for having caused my parents discomfort or seek to displace their feelings onto others by judging and guilt tripping those around them
In turn they are unable to find their calling in life because of a sense of guilt that if they pursued what they really want to do the would somehow let others down
Seeing themselves as victims, they displace responsibility for their feelings onto others, since blaming someone else enables them to absolve themselves of all responsibility and allow them to adopt a poor me stance
If their children dare to be authentic such parents see themselves as victims of their children. Or they take on the role of a martyr leaving them feeling guilty for doing nothin more that attempting to be themselves. For example raising your son in a manner that’s grooming him to become the man she wished she had married leaving him feeling trapped to make his mom happy and eventually falling in love with someone just as controlling as his mom leaving the two women to compete for his attention
Parents like this claim they are just taking good care of another all who while using them to help themselves feel needed and therefore values. Their services motivated by a longing to fill their own emptiness
**”I ask to be released from the notion that I have any power or jurisdiction over my child’s spirit. I release my child from the need to obtain my approval, as well as from the fear of my disapproval. I will give my approval freely as my child has earned this right. I ask for the wisdom to appreciate the sparkle of my child’s ordinariness. I ask for the ability not to base my child’s being on grades or milestones reached. I as for the grace to sit with my child each day and simply revel in my child’s presence. I ask for a reminder of my own ordinariness and the ability to bask in its beauty. I’m not here to judge or approve of my child’s natural state. I’m not here to determine what course my child’s life should take. I am here as my child’s spiritual partner. My child’s spirit is infinitely wise and will manifest itself in exactly the way it’s meant to. My child’s spirit will reflect the manner in which I am invited to respond to my own essence”**

chapter 11- a household built on being

As adults we are preoccupied with constant activity and can be the foundation of our self-esteem. However, children don’t operate from this manic state until we teach them to be this way. Instead of being inundated with activities and pressures to succeed, try living in the moment and celebrate them as individuals. In this approach, grades and external measures of achievement are regarded as but a tiny facet of a grander picture, not the main determining focus of being.
A child’s hectic schedule is more about the inability of the parents to sit still than the child’s need to do so much. If they are over scheduled how will the ever connect with themselves?
We have lost our ability to meet a person or situation with neutral energy. Instead, when we face an other be it a person or an event, we immediately impose our preconceived ideas of right and wrong, good or bad which teaches children that all life experiences are to be judged and labeled rather than experienced
The lesson is that if we teach our children to predicate their sense of identity on doing they will be unhappy every time life fails them in some way. They are left feeling they have to keep performing for their parents sake to ease their parents anxiety which fuels the child’s need to be perfect
Anxiety tends to surface as a need to control. In place of authenticity we either seek to establish some sense of being in control of ourselves by bending to the will of another or we try to feel in control by dominating someone else, especially our children.
Worrying gives us a reassuring sense we are doing something fooling us into imagining we somehow have some control over things. Since worrying is focused on the future on things no yet developed it deflects us from initiating positive acton in the present. Worry is a mask for our fear of bing present in our present
But when we are caught up in anxiety we are afraid of actually taking charge of our situation in a way that might change things for the better. A distractor that allows us to fill our head with busy thoughts that appear to be active responses to our situation but in reality are powerless. We rarely take the action required to alter things.
With such a mindset, life’ challenges are met with a contraction of feeling rather than a sense of expansion. The anxiety that results then fuels a sense of despair and distraction which in turn leads to failure which results in lowered motivation when the spirals down into yet more anxiety and then paralysis that accompanies such anxiety. Out or our fear of committing to life because of our fear of failing at it, we create one obstacle after another . Confronted with a tough situation we see only problems not solutions. So we create situation in which we sabotage ourselves in order to fed our I can’t mindset. Without certainty we feel too vulnerable, too exposed
To come fact to face with our total aloneness scares us which is why we seek endless ways to insert ourselves into our children’s lives. Without all of this activity we would be terrified that we would not only have another but be nothing and entering the void is our greatest fear
We feel ill-equipped to nourish our own self but children can lead us into authenticity because they instinctively know ho to be. We are afraid to surrender to life as is and this fear keep us in reaction mode
The great ailment of modern society is our grave inability to be with ourselves. We are anxious, perplexed, lacking peace, disconnected from our essence and if we were connected to our inner being we wouldn’t destroy each other for our manic quest for power. The answer to our children’s anxiety isn’t found in the external world but in their internal landscape. Teach them to engage in their imagination and be patient with them. Don’t be in such a hurry to impose every activity and piece of knowledge on our child. Childhood isn’t the time for the fruit to come to fruition but the time to just plant the seed. It’s our children’s choice to water whichever seeds they will.
A conscious parent trust implicitly the child’s intuition concerning its destiny. The focus is not on the outcome or the perfection but the process. Give them the courage to make mistakes
Unless we learn to live from being rather than doing listening to our inner voice instead of bind driven by external factors the parent child journey will be fueled by anxiety and drama. When we come from our authentic being we find ourselves no longer focusing on need but on service, no longer feeling internal lack but experiencing abundance no longer feeling stuck but flowing no longer locked into the past, but present now
Honoring our children for those qualities the may be less quantifiable but that are infinitely more essential qualities such as authenticity awe joy peace courage and trust. Ultimately teach our children to live for their inner purpose not form money or image
In the ordinary moments is when emotional connectivity best flourishes
Very young children are able to reinvent themselves on a moment by moment basis intrinsically spontaneous unafraid of a fluid way of approaching life and are open to change. But when we raise them unconsciously we take them out of this natural habitat and cause them to feel the pressure of the future which causes them to exchange their spontaneity for the predictability of habit
When we are blinded by our past or yearn for our future we miss opportunities and lose our connection to our authentic self and therefore each other. Our judgement of any mess or pain we may be feeling makes us want to avoid the present moment

chapter 12- the wonder of the ordinary

We all want our children to be special because this makes us feel special, we want them to be not just good at something but great at something. Our children are attuned to this and push themselves to quench our ego’s thirst because we tend to seek validation through them
They learn early that they are apart of a competitive world that’s sharply divided between the performers and the non-performers. And they also learn about labels and that their behavior is constantly under scrutiny. Should they fall short of some socially accepted criteria, they fin themselves subject to humiliation
When we teach our children that their success in life is dependent on their performance childhood becomes geared toward the future instead of being experienced simply as childhood. They learn that who they are as they are isn’t enough in the adult world
To encourage exploration is a way of honoring a child’s being. I’m stressing the importance of helping our children understand that their sense of worth isn’t predicated on achievement. When we deny our children’s ordinariness we teach them to be enthralled only by exaggerations of life. And when they are free of your expectations they enjoy their ordinariness and reach for expectations that spring from their own center not yours
It is a lacking in an adequate sense of our intrinsic value the we feel a need to exaggerate, bend over backwards and overanalyze which has them grow up addicted to a life of highs and lows unable to rest in the ordinary and with little perspective on how to glean enjoyment from the mundane. How will they learn to navigate their way through boredom if we rescue them all the time?
Our children develop emotional sturdiness when they manage their emotions without the assistance of an external aid. Once they are in touch with their center they learn to be happy with whatever they have realizing that contentment arises not from the outside but from what’s within
In innumerable subtle and not so subtle ways we chip away at our children’s ability to think the impossible thereby limiting them to live in boxes that are comfortable for us to quell our anxiety
At every opportunity encourage your children to listen to their inner voice love the process of learning enjoy the mastery of a skill revel in a taking a risk and laugh at themselves when they fail. The more invested we are in grades or how well they do at a certain hobby, they will begin to lose interest in the learning and focus only on the perfection of the outcome
There is a world of difference between allowing our children to enjoy tv etc… occasionally for leisure and resorting to these things to distract them from being with themselves and us. If a screen is used to comfort restlessness or boredom our children learn to be dependent on external aids to allay their anxiety. And we wonder why many teenagers are addicted to screens to retreat
As a child becomes buried in their screen their emotions are blunted. Children first and foremost need us to give them our attention not our money. It is natural instinct to always choose relationships over gadgets provided that hasn’t been corrupted. It’s we who rob our children of their natural desire to be close to us. We help them best when we encourage them to live a simple life
While many parents put tremendous stress on their children, others try to rescue them from stress. But we need stress in order to grow. We need to let kids sit in the discomfort of their imperfection and rely on their inner being to solve life’s problems. They have an intrinsic ability to think outside the box and only your anxiety causes them to doubt their inner voice
It’s their choice how their inner world manifests itself but it’s our responsibility to keep things in perspective. We present our children with choices that are appropriate for their age and alignment with their ability to discern wisely but give them the freedom to disagree with us the they have a different viewpoint
Our message should be all you need to be is you and you can express who you are in any way you choose as you develop. Don’t worry so much about the logic of a project. If you believe in it, do it. Life isn’t about eh money you make but is a matter of engaging in things for the sheer joy of it. Promote your children’s well-being when you demonstrate joy that springs from your own being. When they observe us living from pure being, content to exist as we are without the need to be in production mode, they locate this capacity themselves

chapter 13-shelve those great expectations

When you celebrate children of their ability to be true to themselves you encourage them to trust. Who they are here and now is already their greatest achievement but we can so easily instead superimpose on them our expectations that have nothing to do with who the child is because we believe it’s our responsibility to have high expectations of them, as this is how they will learn to have high expectations of themselves
It’s so important that you don’t need your children to heal a damaged part of yourself and that you have your own life instead of devoting every minute of your day to them. When we are the ones who set a trajectory of our children’s education, romantic life, or career we immediately limit who they can develop into
Even if our hidden agendas are disguised they know what we want from them even before we utter a word. Our lips say follow your dreams but they realize through our actions or undertones follow mine
We have the right to expect from our children that they show a respect for themselves, for others and for their safety. Beyond these basics your children own the right to manifest who they want to be even if this isn’t what you wish for them
As a parent you aren’t perfect and if you are wise, neither do you seek perfection. Be concerned with how your child is doing as a person. You don’t need to concern yourself with whether they know their math, reading and writing. Rather then known how good a student they are at school, focus on how good a student they are at life. Be concerned with their process in terms of living that their progress in terms of grades
Know that if your child is successful as a person they will take care of the other aspects of their education in their own way an at their pace
When they reach their goals highlight their character development, how proud we are that they showed patience, determination and bravery. Self-mastery is ultimately what we want our children to develop rather than solely on the ability to produce results
A’s are fine but what is important is that you feel you learned the best way you could, the C’s are find but what is more important is that you feel you learned the best way you could. Embracing the task of actually learning is what really matters
Which may lead to the mentality Since my father had no great expectations of my grades, the absence of fear that I enjoyed allowed me not only to derive pleasure from learning but also surpass my own expectations. Instead we are afraid that by not having clear expectations we will produce unmotivated lazy children. However, rigid standards only serve to make our children anxious
When we focus on the process, not the outcome our children develop their innate curiosity which causes them to show interest on their own initiative. We embed in them a thirst for learning that surpasses the fleeting pleaser they derive from gaining our approval through grades. The reach for their own calling kindling their own desire to live not just a successful life but a meaningful one
When things don’t work out in the manner our children expect focus on the qualities that were allowed to emerge as a result of the process. How much you learned about yourself and how brave you were to put yourself out there.
Such an approach help people overcome fear and shapes us into adults who are unafraid of life’s outcomes. They celebrate every experience because it’s right in self-learning, increased awareness, and encourages them to take a risk and persevere in the struggle
The desire to exert effort is far more important than their ability to master something. Learning to live with their limitations with ease is far more important than being attached to perfection
The most profound way we can teach our children to access their inner abundance empowerment and purpose is if we have accessed our own. They sense when we are either connected to or disconnected from our stream of purposeful living. When we are connected to a constant flow of fulfillment of our own

chapter 14- create a CONSCIOUS space in your child’s life

It’s important to express gratitude to our children just for being who they are. Rarely do we than them for who they are, yet we always want them to appreciate who we are. Our children don’t owe us their allegiance

chapter 15- connect to your child with engaged presence

Many of us mistake the business of parenting, cooking, cleaning, carpooling etc…. with being present for our children. We may be present for their material physical and even intellectual needs but this doesn’t mean we are present for their emotional and spiritual needs
We rarely listen to our children without feeling we have to fix correct or lecture. Our goal should be to be present with our children without needing to demonstrate our wisdom and superiority but simply for the sake of connecting
We generally ask that our children relate to us and our state of being
Parents want their teens to stop doing what they have learned to do with their time in the parent’s absence and instead do what the parent wants them to do. It doesn’t occur to the parents to change their agenda and join their teens in whatever activity they may be enjoying
To have them want to connect with us we need to find a way to match their emotional energy. Instead when they do try to talk to us we tend to jump in to advise them, critique them or admonish them giving our opinion on everything. Since they didn’t ask for unsolicited advice and often feel criticized is it any wonder they stop engaging with us and begin hiding things from us
Even reflective statements can appear patronizing or judgmental
The core of empathy lies in being able to allow the individual to experience their experiences in their own way. Our inability to show empathy for all of our children’s emotions teaches them to live in fear of such emotions
Our tendency is to reprimand our children when they are in the grip of strong emotion making them feel guilty in order to alleviate our feelings of inadequacy due to being threatened and triggered ourselves
They aren’t going to feel less scared just because we tell them not to be scared. We think we need to teach our children not to be afraid, not to be angry or not to be sad. But admitting we feel these emotions as well but press on helps underscore the importance of taking a risk even though it’s hard
We help them most not when we try to banish their emotions but when we equip them to navigate such emotions
At the root of a child’s acting out is an emotion that we never expressed. We need to encourage our children to own their emotions and have them validated we are wise to encourage them to feel all their emotions and find appropriate ways to channel them
To help our children sit with their feelings and wait for their own answers to come is so much more empowering than explaining to them
When we present our children with our theories well laid out thoughts and already formulated answers we tach them to be passive recipients of our knowledge. When we confide that we don’t know the answers we invite them to allow the universe to give the m the answers
“I don’t know but let’s find out together” has the power to evoke the most profound of life qualities. Parents need to stop off our pedestal of knowing
Rather than focusing on the answer when you teach your children to enjoy the question you demonstrate a love of learning an an insatiable curiosity about life. They learn it’s okay to not have the answers and that they can still feel competent when they don’t

chapter 16- how to handle your child’s mistakes

We do countless things we want our children in their young state of being not to do just because we told them these things are wrong. Where do we come off so high and mighty as to judge and admonish them for doing the very things we do, only we don’t have anyone looking over our shoulder waiting to reprimand us
If you want your children to learn from their mistakes, any sense of wrongness needs to be removed. Only when your children are free of fear can they extract the lesson they need
Teens are so hurt by our constant judgment of them that they become immune to our input. We think this is because they don’t care which is to further judge them again imagining we know their intent. Little do we realize they are tired of living in shame tired of living in shame tired of being thought of as bad, they turn their sense of helplessness inward, internalizing they belief they are bad. When they turn their sense of helplessness outward they may seek to do to others what has been done to them
A bully is a person who has grown up feeling such disempowerment that to hold it within is unbearable which causes them to humiliate the recipient of their bullying making this individual feel powerless in the ay they themselves have been made to feel powerless. The reason children bully is only ever that they are filled with pain themselves. The bullying escalates into violence it’s because the individual has internalized such an intense feeling of humiliation that their only recourse for relief is to unleash their pain on others
A child who is respected and whose feelings are honored when they make a mistake doesn’t turn around and dishonor another person. The way to handle our children’s mistakes is to ask ourselves how we would want our friends to handle ours
Our children learn how to handle their emotions as they observe us during periods of stress
Even with good intentions when we say try harder, study more, or don’t give up we are teaching them to be attached to perfection and viewing their errors as reflective of who they are they become paralyzed in the aftermath
One of the reasons children fear their mistakes is that when we admonish them we unknowingly strip them of their sense of competence. We disempower them to such and extent that they become afraid of doing anything that could possible result in such a mistake again

chapter 17- the two wings of the eagle

There are two streams of learning authenticity and containment. Authenticity is from a strong connection to our inner being learning to accept ourselves. Containment causes us to absorb the will of another. While authenticity requires us to respect our own inner being and express who we are, containment allow us to contour this in relation to the will of those around us.
Children need to learn both the art of connection to themselves ad connection to others because the ability to relate to another is linked to our ability to connect with ourselves
When there is no system to parents discipling children have no clue how they are supposed to behave. Common error lies in the inability to engage in swim action in the moment
We cannot be a pleaser and a plead her then expect to have any power with our children. Setting boundaries saying no and being firm are as much a part of good parenting as excepting and embracing our children
To parent consciously means you respond to your children’s needs not cater to them. Your task is to help them find within themselves the emotional strength to become self-sustaining and resilient
Avoid taking your child’s behavior personally and becoming livid with them for humiliating you and caring more about how you look in others eyes than about correcting your child’s behavior
Our children count on us to guide them across the continuum of time not just when it’s convenient. Few other relationships evoke within us are blind hunger for control they are by revealing our immaturity and hence inviting us to take great lives in our own development.
Conflicts are valuable opportunities for growth. Parents need to learn to quell their need for control. Conflict offers timeless life lessons for both parent and child. Yes you can indeed assert your will and you will not be punished for it. But at the same time you need to learn how to except and absorb another’s will.
Traditionally the relationship between parent and child has been hierarchical linear the parent issues rules and orders like a military general and children either obey or find themselves punished. A conscious relationship is never hierarchical or linear. Conscious discipline isn’t a parent versus child but involves a circular dynamic of parent with child. Many behavioral issues can be headed off simply by altering the parent child dynamic in this way
Behavioral shaping implies we respond to all of our children’s behavior not just behavior we deem on desirable. By saying discipline not in terms of instituting obedience based on fear but as education and crucial life lessons our children learn how to use good judgment and discernment making effective choices and create positive solutions
For instance if your child earns a C in school to reprimand or punish them fails to address what’s really happening. Do they respect their limitations and are they working to overcome them if possible are they learning how to be humble by embracing the ordinariness excepting themselves are they engaging in the subject matter enjoying learning are they truly present in their schooling experience? These are the primary issues at such a time not the specific matter of grades
When an issue isn’t a matter of life or death and yet we insist on our way of doing things we may imagine we are teaching our children respect for rules whereas in reality we are teaching them to be like us rigid and unyielding. This is why conflict continues relentlessly. Our children soon turn a deaf ear because they know we want things done our way regardless of their wishes. This is how stealing sneaking and lying begin
Driven by fear we will lose control and be over power by our children so we become extremely stern. When everything is treated as a rule our children feel stifled. And we create an atmosphere in which their very expression of themselves is scrutinized for potential rule violation. If rules are to garner our children’s attention they need to be simple and feel
The window for learning the foundation of how to behave is between the ages of one and six. And they learn to respect their parents by age 8
Parents tend to be inconsistent with rules or simply don’t follow through with all of them then they wonder why their children ignore them. The rules of respect for self and others need to be set early in the game
Once the main rules have been laid down both parent and child need to contribute to the list of flexible rules which can be discussed and mutually agreed-upon. More than the main rules it’s the flexible ones that teach our children important life lessons because they provide them with an opportunity to express their opinion. That give-and-take in relationships and the fact that matters can be negotiated is a vital skill for functioning effectively in the adult world. We have done a decent job of teaching them how to respect themselves and others from a young age we need have no concern over them losing this respect once they grow older
Punishment may stop a behavior or it may not but I definitely won’t teach a child to replace inappropriate behavior with more productive behavior. Teach the art of self reflection through problem-solving
When your children hear you articulate your emotions in a direct matter-of-fact manner and they emulate this. It is crucial your children know that their feelings are as important as yours. When they feel excepted and validated the experience no compulsion to drowned or painful emotions and negative behavior
When you scream at your children’s behavior one day then ignore another day and children learn to manipulate you
Call me when we excepted our children act out because of an unmet emotional needs are we able to embark on a serious process of inquiry
Emotional self-regulation is always the goal of behavior shaping. Behavioral shaping is linked to your children’s level of maturity not the particular behavior they display or the chronological age. There can be no behavior modification without a relationship
If your child acts out as a form of outright defiance or if they are acting out on a regular basis you need to except accountability for your role in the perpetuation of their behavior. Sustained presents not reactivity is a crucial factor. If the parent is resolute, the child will quickly pick up that there’s no argument around this issue
When we aren’t conscious of our own feelings we blame our children for making us feel a particular way which triggers in them the feelings we are carry within us. To the degree we unleash our anxiety and then they will carry our unprocessed emotions within their body which means they too will act from an on centered state
No one can cause us to feel a particular way. If the seeds of irritation helplessness frustration or tension weren’t already within us they couldn’t bloom. But as long as we feel helpless and somewhat out of control the slightest suggestion we aren’t being listened to will cause us either to feel disempowered and hence ineffective in our handling our children or lead us to unleash our frustration on them. The degree to which we become emotionally agitated by our children reflects the degree to which we are already agitated within ourselves. Whatever we are experiencing internally is ultimately what is manifested externally
So called Toughlove ultimately breeds resentment. Your task is to curb your heavy handedness so that your children learn to depend on their internal resources to figure out the right or wrong behavior in any given situation. When your children don’t feel respect they instead feel guilt which leads to emptiness and a lack of empathy towards others
When we don’t teach our kids how to handle the word no and cope with the residual emotion and instead try to fix it in someway by distracting them they learn to run away from discomfort which in the teen years and later in life can result in self medication. No matter our age the word no is still the hardest part to hear. Yeah we order this for countless times a day to our children without regard for how this must feel to them
When you change your approach the dynamic changes. Only when we fully expect to be heard will they hear us. This means we have to expect respect and that our boundaries won’t be crossed. But neither our children nor anyone else will respect us if we don’t respect ourselves. It is crucial we only say what we mean, mean what we say and follow through. When you are insecure about your own boundaries it’s hard to create any for your children

afterword- understanding our shared unconsciousness

Each of us has inherited themes of unconsciousness from generations past. Society including our peer groups place an equal role in conditioning us as do our parents
How fulfilling our children’s lives will be is so very much affected by their relationship with us
Being at peace within themselves is the key to a life that’s resplendent with meaning
The manner in which we are connected to our own inner self and live out our own purpose ultimately impacts our children more than anything else
The minute our mind engages in polarized thinking it creates a separation between ourselves and our world
When we aren’t present in our own life we find it difficult to embrace our children in their as is form