March is my birth month and now my rebirth month. Not only is it when I was born (1970), it is when my divorce became final (2018), I moved to California by myself (2018), started my new job in the middle school classroom (2019), launched the idea for my new mentoring business (2020) and discovered the impact of Strengths (2020). Now we are in March of 2021 and I survived a full year of being in the country’s most restricted city during the pandemic. So needless to say, March is typically a time of reflection for me but it’s coming in full force this year.
I have found myself having all kinds of deep realizations about myself and my life, especially over the past few weeks to the point where I am overwhelmed by them. I literally can’t keep up with my thoughts. But here’s an attempt at putting my reflections into words so I can learn from my experiences and thoughts to help me as I go forward on my journey.
In terms of my birth, life was stressful for my mom due to my conception and did not get much easier during years she busted her butt raising me. I have the utmost respect for everything she did to provide for me and my younger sister as a single mom who could not count on help from my dad but it made for a tense upbringing. Our relationship has definitely had it’s ups and downs over the years to this day. I realize one of the reasons I did not leave my marriage years ago is because I think subconsciously I didn’t want to raise my kids with the same single mom stress I was raised with so I tried to make the best of the good days and ignore the bad ones as best I could to save my boys from feeling the same pain I did growing up. I realize that it was not just stress from being a single mom but her limited emotional capabilities due to issues she endured throughout her whole life that had nothing to do with me. Nonetheless, I have finally come to terms with how to live within my own boundaries versus expectations of her to move forward in a positive manner.
In terms of my divorce being final, unfortunately it wasn’t until October of 2020 that I actually finally felt free when we agreed upon a lump sum buyout for maintenance instead of the lifetime support the judge ordered. My reason for the court battle had very little to do with money and more to do with proving my value. But even though it was deserved and earned, I hated receiving monthly checks given the feelings of mental control that went with them and by the court due to the support stipulations. As happy as I am to be free, I realize that being free financially does not equal being free mentally; undoing 30 years of “stuff” is not easily done. But I give myself grace and move forward one day at a time.
In terms of moving to California, I am still loving that decision but feel a bit isolated since meeting new people has been more difficult these days and friendships from home have drifted or even severed. I realize true friendships are hard to come by and the ones that exist are to really be cherished. I have also learned that quality versus quantity is much more important to me these days in terms of who I spend my time with and give my energy to. I revel in like minded people who look to move forward for themselves in a positive manner.
In terms of my job at the middle school, one of the main reasons I got it is so that I could get out of the house and connect with people. I thought at the time those connections would be with the other teachers and staff but the connections I was enjoying the most were with the students. Just as I was getting my groove in how I felt the most useful and even mustered up the nerve to approach my principal about starting a social emotional club after school, we shut down and have yet to step foot back on campus. This whole year has been spent doing my job at home on a computer and let me tell you, zoom is no where to make connections especially with kiddos. I realize how much I miss being around people and how much we all need it to some extent on a regular basis.
In terms of launching a mentoring business, since the after school club idea was canned before it was even pitched I decided to morph my passion into a one on one concept. Getting a business off the ground by building it from the bottom up is one of the hardest things I have ever done and that’s saying a lot given everything I have been through. This is not because of the amount of work but because of the many ways it challenges my belief in myself. I realize that the premise of my business, “being yourself is what is needed to be successful” which is based on my passion about not feeling like we need to measure up to or be like others, is exactly what challenges me the most in regards to my frustration with the process. I continue to be persistent everyday and no matter how difficult, I will not give up.
In terms of discovering strengths, it has been one of the most important things I have done for myself. I spent decades feeling like I could not fully be my authentic self for so many reasons. I realize that when I lean into my top strengths and stay out of my bottoms, that is when I thrive! It may have taken me 50 years but I am so grateful to finally know, understand and embrace who I am unapologetically. I look forward to continual growth as I follow my own path to success my way.
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