Brave, Not Perfect by Reshma Saujani

Although this book was written by the founder and CEO of Girls Who Code, placing the focus on the difference between genders, I think it is beneficial to read for anyone who feels stuck because they are caught up in the idea of perfectionism.

Introduction – daring the unthinkable

The age of 33 was the first tine in my entire adult life that I had done something truly brave. (She had been a successful lawyer but quit her practice to run for public office, and lost. She later stumbled on the fact that very few women were in the tech industry so even though she knew nothing about it, she founded an organization that grew to thousands of members globally encouraging “Girls Who Code”)
Spent her adult life only pursing positions or projects she knew she’d ace until recently
Girls are taught from a very young age to play it safe, to get all A’s to please parents and teachers, to be careful not to climb too high on the jungle gym so they don’t fall and get hurt, to sit quietly and obediently, to look pretty, to be agreeable so they will be liked
The bubble wrap in which we are condoned comes with love and caring, so no one realizes how much it insulates us from taking risks and going after our dreams later in life
Boys are taught to explore, play rough, swing high, climb to the top of the monkey bars, fall down trying, encouraged to try new things, tinker with gadgets and tools and get right back in the game if they take a hit. They are groomed to be adventurous. By the time boys are teenagers they are already well habituated to take risk after risk
BOYS ARE INADVERTENTLY TAUGHT TO BE BRAVE AND GIRLS ARE TAUGHT TO BE PERFECT
Rewarded for perfection from the time we’re young, we grow up to be women who are terrified to fail. We don’t take risks in our personal and professional lives because we fear that we’ll be judged, embarrassed, discredit, ostracized, or fired if we get it wrong. We hold ourselves back, consciously or unconsciously, from trying anything that we’re not certain we’ll ace to avoid the potential pain and humiliation. We won’t take on any role or endeavor unless we are certain we can meet or exceed expectations
Men apply for a job when they meet only 60% of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100%
We don’t speak up for ourselves because we don’t want to be seen as pushy, bitchy or straight-up unlikable. When we do, we agonize, overthink obsessively, analyze every angle before making a decision on how to so, so as to not make a mistake and if we do, we feel as though our world is falling apart
We hold ourselves back for fear of not being good enough, or fear of being rejected
Men tend to have the attitude, it’s not my job to be liked, it’s my job to get my point across
This drive to be perfect takes a serious toll on our well-being. We lose sleep ruminating over the slightest mistake or worrying that someone was offended by something we said or did, we run ourselves ragged trying to do it all and end up exhausted, depleted, even sick because we give away so much of our energy and time to others
Our self-esteem takes a hit and our relationships and hearts can suffer because we put up a protective layer so no one sees our flaws preventing us from being authentic
When we hold ourselves to the impossible standard of perfection, there’s no such thing as success because nothing is ever enough
Letting go of this fear of being less than perfect can be achieved by exercising your bravery muscle one little bit at a time

chapter 1- sugar and spice and everything nice

We need to change how we are socializing girls at a young age
By age 8 kids start to see that ability and agility matter
As girls get older they are tuned in to when their moms compare themselves to others (how they look) or talk about other girls or women critically getting their girls caught up in the dynamic of comparison and a never-ending cycle of constantly having to prove our worth to others
We’ve become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked but when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much. But once you learn to be brave enough to stop worrying about pleasing everyone else and put yourself first, that’s when you become the empowered author of your own life
It is fascinating the extreme amount of work girls put into everything and how much they underestimate their performance. Instead of showing the progress made, they would rather show nothing at all if they don’t view their work as being perfect sometimes preferring to ask for an extension rather than turning in something they think isn’t perfect
Every time a student overstudies, rewrites something five times, revises, reworks and refines to the point of obsession and gets a good grade, it gets reinforced that she needs to do that again to do well
They know they’re trying to be perfect and are proud of it. They’re rewarded for that behavior so they see it as a virtue. We heap praise on girls for getting good grades, being well behaved and well liked and for being good listeners, polite, cooperative, and all the other qualities that earn them gold stars on their report cards. We tell them that they’re smart, talented, pretty and popular. They respond to these messages positively and wear them like a badge of honor. Is it any wonder they see perfection as the only acceptable option?
They are afraid to blemish their records, so they don’t take classes they aren’t certain they can get a high grade in-no matter how interested they are in the subject
Research done by Harvard economics professor revealed that women who earn B’s in introductory economics are far more likely to switch majors than those who earn A’s which is not the case for males
For girls failure is defined as anything that is less than the proverbial A+. It is black and white, you either totally rock or totally suck. Failure is to be avoided at all costs so if they don’t rock it, they skip it
Fixed mindset, believes that their abilities are innate and unchangeable
Growth mindset, belief that abilities can be developed and cultivated through effort regardless of whatever natural level of ability or talent you are born with, you can learn skill and improve
When you tell someone with a fixed mindset that they are smart or talented they etch these messages into the this is how I am truth in their minds. That sounds like good, positive self-esteem building but the problem is that after being showered with such praise of their perceived innate abilities they fall to pieces when they encounter setbacks
Parents and teachers tend to give boys more process praise meaning they reward them for putting in effort, trying different strategies, sticking with it and improving rather than for the outcome. Without this process praise, girls come to believe that if they can’t get something right away, they’re dumb which impacts us later in life taking even the smallest daily mistakes as indicators of fundamental limitations.
Once children begin to evaluate themselves they become afraid of challenges
From the time girls are young they’re trained to keep a lid on anger in the face of an affront, unlike boys who are trained to stand up for themselves or retaliate
Findings show that women speak less than 75% of the time than men do in conference meetings. They undervalue their contributions
Being a confrontational bitch is the first cardinal sin for girls, being seen as conceited runs a close second so they downplay demur and hold back
All the accolades that earns them high praise in girlhood but aren’t necessarily doing them any favors as grown women

chapter 2 – the cult of perfection

Girl power – our culture is on a crusade to rally girls and tell the they can be and do it all but all this positive messaging has a dark side. For many girls it lands crushing pressure to excel in everything. We may be saying, you can do and be anything but what they hear is you have to do and be everything, confusing inspiration as expectation
Girls receive constant conflicting messages in a culture that lauds effortless perfection making it look like they’re not even trying – be nice, but fierce, polite but bold, cooperative but trailblazing, strong but pretty – be bold and brave but make sure not to step on any toes or offend anyone, go for what you want as long as it’s what we expect of you, speak your mind but make sure to smile when you do, don’t settle for less than you’re worth but ask for it nicely, work hard but make it look easy
The majority of toys and games created for boys are geared toward achievement in STEM subjects
The majority of toys and games created for girls are geared toward achievements in writing and making crafts, language development and social interaction
The more girls watched princess movies and played with princess toys the more they exhibited stereotypical female behavior like playing nicely and quietly, avoiding getting dirty or being submissive, passive, physically weak and valuing qualities such as being nurturing, thin, pretty and helpful
For the majority of their waking hours, kids get bombarded with not-so-subtle images and messages about what’s expected of them and how they are supposed to behave
Bullying is not new, social media is not new but what’s new is how young it is starting. Snapchat craze, middle-schoolers competed to see who could post the cruelest insult about another kid’s personality or appearance, websites that rate how pretty your photos are
It’s safer and easier for girls to stick to the stuff that gets them the most likes, because that’s their currency, the more you play by the rules, the more followers and likes you have and in perfect-girl world the more valuable you are
It takes only 9 minutes of scrolling through everyone else’s profiles and pictures for anxiety to spike. Comparison dampens the meaning and enthusiasm for their own experiences
We need to become brave so we can teach the next generation how to make empowering choices in the face of messages and social media challenges

chapter 3- PERFECTION 3.0: when the perfect girl grows up

In the real world there are no straight A’s, school rewards perfection, the real world rewards bravery
The pursuit of perfection may set us on a path that feels safe but it’s bravery that lets us veer off that supposed to path and onto the one we’re authentically meant to follow
Bravery powers us through the difficult times and choices allowing us to create and live lives that don’t just look good but are messy and joyfully ours
All the lessons we learn as little girls have real consequences on our life choices. So many of us have been trained to please others first and foremost our parents and so we follow the expected path without questioning if it’s genuine for us.
When we do decide to follow our own paths we tend to wonder if we are a failure since there is often passive aggressive undertones when we don’t follow others expectations but when you can let those go you open yourself up for happiness
When we do follow what’s expected or live our lives as a mini-replica of our parents, we wonder why we feel so stuck but then are too afraid to free ourselves from the trap and once the realization is made we feel it’s too late to change course
Sometimes these expectations are not doled out consciously and parents don’t understand the choices that are being made
When needled throughout your childhood especially when we are too young we hear it as disapproval and grow up to experience the smallest criticism as an indictment of our character
Socially prescribed perfectionism – tells us that other people won’t accept or value or love us unless we’re perfect
Self-oriented perfectionism – it feels like we are the ones pushing ourselves to reach our own impossible standards
Effortless perfectionism- when you believe you’re supposed to make it all look easy and pretend like you’ve got a handle on everything so you lose out on learning the skill to ask for help when needed
Much of the time pressure women deal with is self-imposed because they have trouble delegating or letting go of control
Even when we become smart savvy women who intelligently know the pursuit of perfection is absurd, it still rules our lives because we still buy into the following outdated myths
Being able to handle it all doesn’t require perfectionism, it demands bravery. It takes bravery to let go of control and delegate, to aim for 100% but be ok if you come up short, to make mistakes and own up to them without sliding into shame, to give yourself a break and refuse to let guilt dictate your daily life etc…
Myth #1 Polished Equals Perfect – the delusion we harbor that if we come off as perfect, it hides that we actually aren’t – appearance is our armor
Myth #2 Once Everything is Perfect, I’ll Be Happy – after a lifetime of chasing other people’s dreams, worrying about what others think, or following a prescribed formula for what we think our lives should look like, our own desires and goals get blurred which leads to being unhappy even though everything points to a perfect, happy life
Myth #3 If I’m Not Perfect, Everything Will Fall Apart – in the minds of a perfectionist a mistake is a sign of a personal flaw.
Myth #4 Perfection Is The Same as Excellence – excellence is a way of being, not a target you hit or miss and you actually get to feel proud of your achievements. Perfectionism impedes excellence because you focus on how you came up short
Myth #5 Failure Is Not an Option – failure is proof that we’ll never meet expectations so we don’t take risks
Myth #6 I Need to Be Perfect to Get Ahead – the path to senior positions is disproportionately stressful for women but that is often because women think they need to do the job perfectly to step up for the challenge
Perfect is boring, it’s the messy, unfinished edges that make us interesting and our lives rich. Embracing our imperfection creates joy, besides, if you’re so perfect where is the fun in learning or striving

chapter 4 – Redefining bravery

Acts like taking a popular stand might be scary but they often end up being the ones that are most appreciated and celebrated
Bravery is contagious
Sometimes bravery is simply to give yourself permission to be true to yourself by not doing something that is expected of you
Bravery is broad, complex and context specific
Play to your strengths no matter how masculine or feminine, liked or unlike they are
We can’t become unique by copying someone else’s formula any more than we can become successful by striving for someone else’s definition of success
There is no one right way to be brave, there is no one universal definition of success
Don’t just try harder to achieve your goal, don’t let fear stop you from going after them. Don’t give up before you try – if/when you succeed, it will be even sweeter because it was fueled by courage and genuine passion and if you don’t succeed, you will still feel proud because it will be an honest failure

chapter 5 – why be brave?

Pretty much everything in life that is worth doing requires bravery
Bravery is the ability to see yourself as flawed and own it without plunging instantly into shame
When we let go of the unrealistic expectations for ourselves we then naturally ease up on our kids. When we stop obsessing about our kids grades or college essays we help them see the joy in learning
It is brave to allow your kid to be exactly who they are and do what they love, even if you don’t agree with their choices. They’re happier and healthier for it, though, and so are you
Bravery doesn’t guarantee that everything will work out, just that we’ll be okay if it doesn’t
We can acknowledge scary feelings and persevere anyway, bravery sets us free

chapter 6 Build a bravery mindset

We train ourselves out of a bad habit into a better one by first becoming aware of the behavior you need to change, making a decision to change, then consciously and repeatedly replacing the old behaviors and mindsets with better ones. Eventually the new and better habits become so ingrained in you that they become a natural way of being.
There’s nothing more thrilling than the rush you’ll get once you start practicing small acts of bravery, facing your fears is freeing
When is comes to being brave, your mindset is everything. We can’t simply will ourselves to be brave, it is a process that we’re called to day after day and it requires consistent practice
The era of burnout as a badge of honor is over, workaholism is out and wellness is in
It demands emotional and physical energy stamina and endurance to leave our comfort zone which is why the first and most essential key to cultivating a bravery mindset is to put your wellness first
The power of “yet” as opposed to the tyranny of now. To get from stuck to free, put the word yet at the end of your limiting declarations
None of us is a finished product we’re all works in progress.
Ask yourself Does this really not make sense to do, or am I not doing it because I’m scared and out of my comfort zone?
The voice of wisdom is calm but with a sense of authority
A strategy we can use to put fears into perspective by shifting our focus from what scares us about taking action to what scares us about not doing something – let the fear of failure be taken over by the fear of failing not to try
Mentally fast-forward ten years ahead is one of the most uniquely useful human skills – the fear of regret can be a powerful motivator, so can envy
Or ask yourself what advice would you give someone else in your position then follow that. On average we make better decisions for others than ourselves
To change what we think and believe, change what we do

chapter 7 get caught trying

Practicing bravery in the small ways in my day to day life has allowed me to step up and face my larger fears when it counted.
Braving my fear enables me to go after what I want and do what I think is right even when everything isn’t perfectly aligned or guaranteed to work
Learn to get comfortable with your own imperfections
Bravery is not the absence of fear, but acting in the face of it. When you face your fear you take away it’s power
To build grit, don’t learn to just endure feedback, but actively seek it out especially when you don’t want to hear it because one way to build back our resilience and take the sting out of rejection and failure is by normalizing it
*the manuscript for Twilight was rejected by 20 publishers before finally finding a home
When we are driven to be perfect, any small flaw will trigger our anxiety so to overcome this feeling slowly in small doses do the opposite of what your anxiety is telling you to do
It’s so liberating to see that typically no one cares and if they do, does it really matter?
It doesn’t matter if you don’t know absolutely everything you need to know right now to do something, you will figure it out along the way often through your mistakes. Just tackle the small hill first to get the energy moving in the right direction and see where it goes
Fumbling your way through something new isn’t just about fun, it also changes your brain for the better. We can literally rewire our brains and what we’re capable of, which in turn expands what we believe we’re capable of
Team sports are an example of a great way to build self-esteem by giving girls a resilience to draw upon since physical activity is a huge bravery boost. It can be an amazing experience when you don’t give up. The perfect girl usually gets frustrated by how long it takes to figure something out, and if they can’t get it right away, they’re outta there. So ingrained is their aversion to frustration that not only do they believe they can’t do it, they won’t even try

chapter 8 nix the need to please

The work isn’t to figure out why someone didn’t like you, or who’s right and who’s wrong, it’s to practice being okay with the idea that there are some people who will get you and some people who won’t and that’s fine
The more comfortable you get with doing, saying and being in your truth, the less you’ll get caught up in what others think of you
Helen Mirren replied when asked what advice she would give her younger self, to not be so bloody polite and say fuck off more often
We’ve sold ourselves on the narratives we’ve created around what it means if we’re not liked but we need to question if those are true
It’s pretty powerful to see for yourself how deep that be liked or be damned to hell hardwiring goes and more importantly how preposterous your worst case scenario really is by keep asking yourself “and then what?” You’ll survive and move on to people who get you, that’s what
Women who are most proactive about making their achievements broadly known get ahead faster, make more money and are happier overall with their careers

Chapter 9 play for team brave

Just a reminder, there is no such thing as effortless perfection and the braver step is to let others see that we’re human, we struggle, we make mistakes, we fail. When we can let down our perfect veneer and allow people to see the messiness behind the scenes, it allows us to connect more authenitcally.
Display your mistakes with pride
Due to our fear of being outshone, outranked, outdone or knocked down by another woman, we strike first. When feelings of being vulnerable make us uncomfortable, we lash out, abuse and sabotage doing the very things we fear most other women will do to us. Instead we need to put our energy into lifting each other up

chapter 10 surviving a big, fat failure

Step one: Throw a short pity party
Step two: Celebrate your failure
Step three: Shake it off (literally)
Step four: Review, reassess, realign – reframe your narrative by viewing from a different lens
Stop five: Try again – every setback is just another chance to further strengthen your bravery muscles